The Job Interview
The past few months I have had several job interviews and I thought it would be a good idea to pass along to you the wisdom I have gleaned.
Possible Interview Questions
Clearly, life is difficult. Avoid answering the question, “What is your greatest challenge in the workplace?” with “making the world’s longest paper clip chain.”
When asked what your best asset is, refrain from answering with the number of shots of tequila you can handle before you hit the barroom floor.
At your interview when they ask you to describe yourself in three words, do not reply, “Drunk, Manipulative and Sexy.”
First of all, if the application asks if you’ve ever been convicted of a crime, do not answer with any of the following:
I stole a pack of gum from Speedway when I was four and I can’t chew gum to this day
It wasn’t until I was busted by the fashion police that I realized how many of the laws I was breaking
Convicted and tried by the court of “if looks could kill” when I was caught raiding my child’s Halloween candy
And just leave off the whole lecture and conviction from the dentist for not flossing regularly.
Attire for the Interview
Be aware that when you dress for the interview and you are told to dress comfortably, it’s a trap. Reconsider any of the following items:
Unless you are applying to be a bouncer at a rough nightclub, or as an extra in a movie about life as a homeless person, do not wear holey jeans.
My normal tip for a bad haircut is to wear a low-cut blouse so no one notices your hair, however, this is not good for an interview.
If you decide to dress up and wear staggeringly high heels to the interview, practice walking in them first while looking in a mirror. If your face is scrunched up in pain and you’re crying with every step, you may give the wrong impression to the interviewer.
As credible as it is, please do not list your lemonade stand from when you were seven, with you as the sole proprietor.
Short-order cook, while a job many people have in the home, does not translate to the public sector. FYI, you cannot make a customer sit at the table until he or she has finished everything on their plate.
If you are of a certain age, avoid references to hickory switches behind the barn, as your primary education.
Also, avoid references to being old enough that you did not use computers on a daily basis while in school, but that you wrote in the dirt with sticks.
Truly a well-known institution by many, but avoid stating the years that you attended the “school of hard knocks”.
Avoid references that refer to you by your nicknames. Employers may get the wrong idea when you are called, “the snake”,”the enforcer,” or worst of all “five-finger Louie.”
Lastly, before using a person as a professional reference, make sure that you do not owe them money. Employers seem to be turned off by hearing, “That *bleeping* scumbag owes me $50!”